So it’s nearly the end of January and I still haven’t wished my blog a Happy New Year. Happy New Year!
It probably feels like a million lightyears have passed since you were shoving down brussel sprouts at the only time of year it is acceptable to eat a vegetable that tastes like farts (only gravy will make those little green turds taste remotely appetising). Fear not, your local supermarket will be stocking mince pies and synthetic santa hats before you can say ‘Christmas pudding’. Every year, christmas seems to be thrown at us earlier and earlier. Christmas 2012 brought us bobble-headed blue aliens in early October telling us that we could order our Christmas presents online from Argos. For me, October means getting stuck in that annoying drizzle rain that makes your hair frizz into something resembling a Bichon Frise dog. October means Halloween and Halloween means that for one night, girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. October does not mean giant baubles hanging in shopping centres strung next to signs telling us to “get our Christmas gifts now”. I am a procrastination master and love doing my Christmas shopping in the last couple of weeks before the big day. It’s more exciting when town’s full of people who are counting down the few days there are to go before everybody forgets Weight Watchers and spends the Twelve Days of Christmas eating endless turkey sandwiches. Why would I want to go shopping for gifts before at least mid November? I’m still trying to pull the cinder toffee out of my teeth from bonfire night.
Retail companies are now trying to milk Christmas for all it’s worth by dragging it out over an unnecessarily long period of time so that they have more time for people to buy generic boxes full of gift sets. Soon, the summer holidays will finish and avertising agencies will start cramming campaigns onto our TV screens reminding us to buy that Homebase giftcard for Nan this festive season. Secret Santas will be organised in mid-August and Advent calendars will start on September 1st. Goodbye summer, hello Christmas. It is as though retailers think that the general public can not live without a festive season to look forward to. Christmas was over and once we’d all slept through New Years Day it was suddenly ‘Creme Egg season’. Creme Egg season?! We’ve only just welcomed in the New Year and already Cadbury’s have decided to give us a four month warm up to Easter. Glorious! No really, Creme Eggs are glorious. However, the fact that they are – or were – an Easter-themed confectionary suggests that they should be sold towards Easter, no? Apparently not. “Christmas is behind us!” the retailers thought, “the public will be crying out for public-holiday themed chocolate. We can not make them wait until late March”…
“I know!” some bright spark thought, “lets make people think Easter lasts for four months and rake in as much profit as we can”. This whole ‘blink and you’ll miss the Creme Egg’ excitement that used to come with Creme Egg season is no longer relevant. To miss Creme Eggs now you’d have to blink really, really slowly, in fact you’d probably end up hibernating until April. Don’t do that though, you’d miss pancake day.
When I’m president of the world – it will happen one day – retail companies will not be allowed to advertise anything Christmas related until after the 20th November and Cadbury’s will have to give every Creme Egg produced before March to the homeless. World, just you wait.