Creme Eggs and Christmas

So it’s nearly the end of January and I still haven’t wished my blog a Happy New Year. Happy New Year!

It probably feels like a million lightyears have passed since you were shoving down brussel sprouts at the only time of year it is acceptable to eat a vegetable that tastes like farts (only gravy will make those little green turds taste remotely appetising). Fear not, your local supermarket will be stocking mince pies and synthetic santa hats before you can say ‘Christmas pudding’. Every year, christmas seems to be thrown at us earlier and earlier. Christmas 2012 brought us bobble-headed blue aliens in early October telling us that we could order our Christmas presents online from Argos. For me, October means getting stuck in that annoying drizzle rain that makes your hair frizz into something resembling a Bichon Frise dog. October means Halloween and Halloween means that for one night, girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. October does not mean giant baubles hanging in shopping centres strung next to signs telling us to “get our Christmas gifts now”. I am a procrastination master and love doing my Christmas shopping in the last couple of weeks before the big day. It’s more exciting when town’s full of people who are counting down the few days there are to go before everybody forgets Weight Watchers and spends the Twelve Days of Christmas eating endless turkey sandwiches. Why would I want to go shopping for gifts before at least mid November? I’m still trying to pull the cinder toffee out of my teeth from bonfire night.

Retail companies are now trying to milk Christmas for all it’s worth by dragging it out over an unnecessarily long period of time so that they have more time for people to buy generic boxes full of gift sets. Soon, the summer holidays will finish and avertising agencies will start cramming campaigns onto our TV screens reminding us to buy that Homebase giftcard for Nan this festive season. Secret Santas will be organised in mid-August and Advent calendars will start on September 1st. Goodbye summer, hello Christmas. It is as though retailers think that the general public can not live without a festive season to look forward to. Christmas was over and once we’d all slept through New Years Day it was suddenly ‘Creme Egg season’. Creme Egg season?! We’ve only just welcomed in the New Year and already Cadbury’s have decided to give us a four month warm up to Easter. Glorious! No really, Creme Eggs are glorious. However, the fact that they are – or were – an Easter-themed confectionary suggests that they should be sold towards Easter, no? Apparently not. “Christmas is behind us!” the retailers thought, “the public will be crying out for public-holiday themed chocolate. We can not make them wait until late March”…

“I know!” some bright spark thought, “lets make people think Easter lasts for four months and rake in as much profit as we can”. This whole ‘blink and you’ll miss the Creme Egg’ excitement that used to come with Creme Egg season is no longer relevant. To miss Creme Eggs now you’d have to blink really, really slowly, in fact you’d probably end up hibernating until April. Don’t do that though, you’d miss pancake day.

When I’m president of the world – it will happen one day – retail companies will not be allowed to advertise anything Christmas related until after the 20th November and Cadbury’s will have to give every Creme Egg produced before March to the homeless. World, just you wait.

 

 

Put The Gun Down And Pick Up An Iced Finger

This time three months ago I was concerned about humanity as people decided to still watch X Factor when it started once again. Last Saturday night I was concerned about humanity when people got completely over excited about the travesty that is I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Now I am concerned about humanity because another bomb-fuelled conflict is all over the news. I don’t know all the ins and outs of the Gaza-Palestine conflict, but it again leaves me sad to think that there are still people in this world who believe that ammunition is the way to be the bigger man and solve problems. Killing people does not solve problems. Throwing a bomb to the other side does nothing except the following:

• Causes injuries or fatalities thus affecting not just the person injured/killed but the people they know and care about
• Angers your opponent and encourages them to throw a bigger bomb back

Throwing a bomb will never, ever solve a problem or win a disagreement the right way.

If you hold a position of power and authority, you should probably have big enough balls to sit down and talk or have heated debates, right? Why then, do so many people in high up positions decide to send off men with guns and grenades off to do all their dirty work for them? Because it’s easier for them? Because it’s the only way to solve the problem? If starting a war or commanding an act of violence was the easiest way to sort something out then I’d have shot every bus driver who told me they didn’t have any 5 pences left by now. I’m not saying issues between countries and within countries themselves can be simplified down to an analogy about 5 pence, but just because something’s difficult doesn’t mean the solution can’t be found without violence.

Now it may not be my birthday today, but I am going to make a wish. My wish is that people would bake a cake instead of throwing bombs. Imagine that. A world where instead of every bomb, there was a victoria sponge. A world where instead of every gunshot fired, there was a chocolate chip muffin. We would all be a lot fatter and the NHS would be crying about obesity levels. There would be a lot more of us due to the lack of lives lost through war and half of the world population would probably have to move to Mars to make room. Tony Blair and George Bush would have worn aprons and baked each other key-lime pie. However, there would be no war. Billions of pounds would not be spent on weapons and the military every year for us to be told that we are in a recession. The newspapers would not tell us their version of a conflict we don’t really understand. More importantly, innocent people would not be murdered. Because that is quite essentially what war is. Murder. Murder is wrong. So I ask yet another question. Why the hell do people still fight blood-shedding, ruthless, costly, murderous wars? I am beaten for an answer every time I ask myself this question. That’s why I end up imagining worlds filled with brownies and cheesecake.

People reading this have probably realised that I’m an idealist and an optimist, I know. But to quote John Lennon, “I know I’m not the only one”. I’ve always wanted my own quote and now I think I’ve found one. Don’t throw bombs and bake cities, whisk eggs and bake cakes.

Procrastination

P – Putting off that piece of work by doing every menial task possible beforehand

R – Reading tweets instead of homework questions

O – Overeating on the entire contents of the biscuit cupboard

C – Checking Facebook. Again. And again. And one more time.

R – Reading more tweets

A – Asking when lunch is ready and deciding you can’t possibly start your work properly before you eat

S – Sighing about how much work you have before returning to the internet

T – Trying on different outfits and deciding what would look good next summer

I – Ironing. Because anything is better than doing work.

N – Nearly starting the work by picking it up and flicking through the pages before putting it back down again in exhaustion

A – Asking what time dinner is and deciding you’ll just have to have a packet of biscuits before then

T – Timing how long you’ve been avoiding homework and starting to panic before realising The Big Bang Theory is on

I – Instant coffee number 3

O – Ordering clothes you probably can’t afford online

N – Nightime. Sleep time.

 

The World’s Worst Dinner Party

In one of my many attempts to delay doing holiday homework, I decided to compile a list of some of the people I would least enjoy spending time with at a dinner party.

1) Derren Brown. Some people say his work is a fix. Others are convinced his mind games are all real. I am undecided, and am therefore terrified of him. The thought that one man can convince another man on his own birthday that he is living in a post-apocalyptic world quite frankly disturbs me. If I ever met Derren Brown, how on earth would I know I wasn’t under his hypnosis not just at the dinner party, but afterwards also? I do not want to wake up on Christmas Day believing everyone including the Loch Ness Monster and his friend have moved to Mars.

2) Michael Gove. Imagine if one privately-educated man was screwing over the country’s education system. Imagine having to spend lunch with him.

3) Mr Blobby. His glassy eyes give me the heeby-jeebies. I also had a dream once that he was chasing me with an axe. No, I would not like to sit and eat pasta with Mr Blobby.

4) A goat. It wouldn’t just eat its own food. It would eat my food. And the table.

Now I really must answer these psychology questions, but if you’re avoiding doing holiday homework too, leave a comment below of people you’d least like to go to a dinner party with.

A poem for when you’re lonely

For every sunshine there’s a breeze

For every cough there’s a sneeze

For every poo there’s a wee

And with a hug for you, there is me.

Gravy

A Sunday dinner without gravy in a British winter,

Is about as satisfying as your last bit of Magnum falling off the stick and onto the floor,

And makes the thought of Monday morning all the more grim.

How to make your personal statement irresistible

Anyone who’s applying for university this year will probably groan at the words ‘Personal Statement’. Staring at a blank page for hours, waiting for something good to say about yourself, staring at several redrafts waiting for an inspiring sentence to improve the whole lot. It’s no fun to write a personal statement, nor is it easy. So my friend Faye and I came up with a few quotes that would really make you a stand out student and give you a unique edge on other applicants. Enjoy, and I hope it helps with the whole process!

‘My parents have to spend their money on something and I’ve already got all the Christian Louboutin shoes I need for the next three years.’

‘eHarmony rejected my dating profile and I have to meet new people somehow, right?’

‘My pet rock died and I needed something to take my mind off of it’

‘You would be honoured to have me bitches.’

‘I saw Regina George applying to university, so I applied to university.’

‘I stalk Stephen Fry, so Cambridge is the only logical place for me.’

‘I want to be Mr Bean so Cambridge is perfect.’

‘I can burp my ABCs. Honestly, how many of your students can do that?’

‘I am willing to sleep with tutors for good grades.’

‘I want to be Gok Wan when I’m older and need some people to practise my make-overs on, so I figured somewhere with a load of professors would be a great start.’

‘We can do this the easy way or the hard way.’

‘I know a guy.’

‘The other day I realised I had to do something for the next three years.’

‘I got bored of the cupboard under the stairs.’

‘I want to improve my knowledge of muggles.’

‘I am finally starting to move on from the sad fact that my acceptance letter to Hogwarts was lost in the post around my eleventh birthday.’

‘I want to live on vodka and cereal for three years because YOLO.’

‘I hear you can get laid at university.’

‘I told my clingy girlfriend that I was moving to Yemen, so I have to go somewhere.’

‘My Dad’s the editor of The Sun newspaper and knows all your secrets.’

‘My little brother’s at a really annoying age and when I come back home he’ll have grown out of it.’

‘Twitter doesn’t challenge me enough. I need something heavier to read.’

‘I hate lying. Give me an interview to find out about the real me.’

‘I know what happened on that fishing trip you refuse to talk about.’

‘The X Factor judges couldn’t handle my potential…can you?’

‘When I was five, I stuck a raisin up my nose and survived to tell the tale.’

‘The best relationships start with having something in common. You know stuff, I want to know stuff…’

‘I love pie. If that’s not enough then you’re really wasting my time.’

‘I do it Gangnam style.’