Hey blog you lovely little thing, it’s been a while.
So, recently I’ve really got into film and considered going into film journalism. That was, until I realised I can’t summarise a film plot any better than Nick Clegg can keep his promises or John Tavolta can read names off an auto cue (if you haven’t already seen it, click here and cringe). Instead, when trying to describe the plot of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Cats to good friend Beth Massey, it came out something like…
“…from what I remember when I watched it as a kid, it was just a bunch of cats, singing about being a cat and stuff. And then there’s this one cat whose like, a magical cat…”
It’s safe to say that my film reviewing is in the same boat as Pitbull being played on the radio – it doesn’t sound great and probably shouldn’t happen. Nevertheless, I have decided to make a long overdue return to blogging with my ‘alternative’ film reviews, purely for your amusement/bemusement (circle those that apply). Every time I watch a film, a somewhat succinct and certainly unique summary will be uploaded right here. If you’re a fan of Empire-style, in-depth reviews, continuing to read these posts may offend/upset you. If you’re already in the cinema and need a quick summary to decide whether to see a certain film / don’t deal well with lots of information in your head at once / need something short and lighthearted to read on the toilet, this is for you.
I start with the film that won more awards this year than Beyonce won girl crushes by looking like a mermaid goddess at the Brits. It’s Alfonso Cuarón’s Gravity (2013)…
Budget: *the cost of several world cruises for a family of twelve
Box office gross: **enough to take the population of Belgium on a Virgin Galactic trip to space
You should see this film if…
- You enjoyed Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (it was directed by the same guy)
- You’re really down to earth
This woman floats around for a couple of hours in a Ghostbusters outfit, but she’s not at a fancy dress party, for most of the film she’s by herself and it’s like she turned up to an event that was cancelled and never got the memo, and she’s wandering round in a fluster wondering where everyone went. For a while it gets really cold and then George Clooney comes along and makes the heating come on again, you know like when your boiler breaks down and you have to wait around for the repair man to come, except it’s never George Clooney, it’s some balding Yorkshire-man whose just waiting for his lunch break when he can buy a Gregg’s chicken and vegetable pasty. And then there’s this giant snow globe in the background that doesn’t really do much, it just kind of sits there and all the snow’s stuck at the top and the bottom. Probably one of those cheap presents that comes out of a Christmas cracker and you know as soon as you pull the cracker open you’re going to have something that’s already broken but you still say “ooooh how useful!” before shoving it into a drawer with the clip-on tape measure that doesn’t clip on that you got last Christmas, and the little plastic thing you’re not really sure how to use you got the year before.
Stay tuned for the next installment, a review of The Coen Brothers’ No Country For Old Men (2007).
*estimated budget may not be factually accurate
**estimated box office gross may not be factually accurate